Wednesday, September 14, 2011

EXPLORING DAYTIME TELEVISION

Hi there. Sorry for not posting for so long. I have not forgotten about my two readers, and I never will. Just because I don’t post nothin’ about anything doesn’t mean I have forgotten. Remember that.

Okay, now that we have all that cleared up, I would like to tell you about my TV adventures. Now I know why I rarely watch daytime television. I had a headache and cough yesterday so I was lying on the couch reading and thought I’d turn on the TV—maybe I Love Lucy or something was on. It wasn’t, so I did what men usually do and started flipping the remote. What a meager selection of shows. I stumbled upon Jerry Springer. I hadn’t seen that show in years but felt compelled to keep watching just because I couldn’t believe how utterly horrible it was. It’s like a train wreck, you can’t take your eyes off of it. The topic was something like, “I’m not your boyfriend, I’m your pimp.” There was some screaming and yelling, but I was late tuning in and caught just the tail end of that segment before they went to commercials, so I kept flipping.

Court show. Click. Another court show. Click. Andy Griffith. Watch for a minute or so. Click. Kids show. Click. Telemundo. Have no idea what’s going on but stop to gaze at the stunningly beautiful women for a few minutes. Click. Cheaters. I’d heard about that but had never seen it. Got caught up in some middle-aged guy’s story of his live-in girlfriend stepping out on him with some unappealing biker dude. We follow the hidden cameras as they catch the girlfriend meeting the biker dude at a biker bar. They both have beers. Ugh. Later we see them having a picnic with “fine wine”. Ugh. Later they meet at an Italian restaurant, looks like there is beer on the table. Ugh. Then they confront the cheaters and their friends at a tailgate party at a football game (ugh), where the biker dude acts all surprised and innocent and the girlfriend sobs her eyes out and begs for forgiveness, saying that she just wanted some love and attention. The guy seems to forgive her although I think they have a lot of things to work out.

Back to Jerry Springer. New segment with two well-endowed young women in short, low-cut dresses having a fistfight while security guys try to keep them from killing each other and the audience cheers. “Jare-EE! Jare-EE!” Apparently one of them slept with the other’s boyfriend. And these women were best friends! But what is wrong with these audience members that they enjoy seeing two women pulling each other’s hair out?? They think they’re so much better than them?? Bah. Then the boyfriend comes out. THAT’S who they were fighting over? Sheesh. He uses the excuse that he still loves the girlfriend and the one-night stand meant nothing to him, and that he’s in college and just wants to have fun. Oh brother. Then both girls start beating up on him. “Jare-EE! Jare-EE!” More commercials. Click. Another court show. Click. Another court show—in Spanish.

Click. Gunsmoke. I see two familiar faces in an old West setting. “Hey, it’s Colonel Potter and Mr. Howell!” (Harry Potter and Jim Backus). “I wonder if Harry Potter is dead yet.” (Later I check online—he’s alive at 96!). Click. Laverne and Shirley. I watch a couple minutes of it—they’re working at the brewery. Ugh. Then they meet Fonzie somewhere. Click. Ghost Whisperer. I have never really watched it but pause a minute to look at cute Jennifer Love Hewitt. Click. A soap opera. Click. News. Click. Charlie Rose. He’s interviewing NYC Mayor Bloomberg about September 11. I watch for about ten minutes. Fairly interesting. Click. Some travel show where a pretty young woman is learning about witch trials that happened long ago in Denmark, I think. It was kinda entertaining. Click. Back to Jerry. The last segment had some overweight women duking it out over something while the audience cheered. Then he gave his “final thought” which actually was nice and thoughtful.

Continue clicking. Another court show. Click. Another children’s show. Click. Maury Povich. I see more fighting. (Remember when his show used to be respectable?) Some guy is yelling at a young woman, insisting they can’t be sure he’s the father of her baby because she is a stripper. (Turns out he is.) Click. A craft show. Two nice ladies showing some vintage aprons. Oh how cute! The hostess is so pretty and refined. She talks about how one of her favorite pastimes is looking at vintage aprons at online auctions. “What a nice woman,” I think. “I bet she wouldn’t be a stripper or have a one-night stand or drink alcohol.” At the end of the segment they show some darling miniature Barbie-sized aprons. The guest tells of how these could be used to decorate a laundry room. “Or you could put them on a WINE bottle—that would make a great housewarming gift!” the pretty hostess adds. AAARRRGGGHH. Click. Turn TV off. Wait until evening when I can watch Married With Children. Yes, that show can be horribly raunchy. I know, I know. And I could do without the “nudie bar” segments, but otherwise I enjoy it! I can’t help it, it’s FUNNY! And much better than any daytime offerings. And even with all their faults, Al and Peg have never cheated—despite many temptations. They really do love each other.

And so, in conclusion, MY “final thought” is to leave you with some advice about good health from Al Bundy. Peg had won a visit from Jim Jupiter, a local hunky fitness guru, who, after staying at her house for a few weeks, developed her bad habits and ended up sitting on the couch eating bonbons and watching TV all day. So by the time he went back to hosting his workout program, he was so out of shape, he dropped dead of a heart attack right there on the air. Peg felt guilty but Al consoled her.

AL: C'mon, everybody, family meeting. [they all sit] Now, Peg, I know you think you're responsible for killing Jim. And yet you have no guilt of squashing the life out of me, but that's another meeting. Anyway, what I'm saying is, you didn't kill Jim. Good health killed Jim. See, he purified his body so completely, that when finally called on to do so, he couldn't handle the grease and sugar and toxic waste that we call food. He rendered himself extinct. See, healthy people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive. Jim's body couldn't take the burgers and bonbons and pastry suckin's like real Americans. You see, Peg, WE are the truly strong.

PEGGY: You really think so, Al?

AL: Absolutely. See that cockroach over there?

PEGGY: [points] That one?

AL: [points] No, that one. Well, any one of them. You don't see them carrying off a can of Wheat Germ, do you?

KELLY: Gurm, Dad.

AL: Thank you, Pumpkin. Anyhow, Peg, let's follow the example of our friend the cockroach. They were here before man, they'll be here after man. You know why? They eat crap. And I say, if it's good enough for the cockroach, then it's good enough for my family!

They all seem to agree with this statement.

PEGGY: Oh Al, you really do care.

AL: Yeah, darn right I do. And I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm hungry enough to block a colon! Grease burgers for everyone, on Dad! What do you say?

They all excitedly get up and head out the door, shouting things like “Grease!” and “Lard!” Text on screen: "This show is dedicated to our brother, The Mighty Cockroach. Let him show us the way."